Big Mind. Big Heart. Big Body.

For several years now I've admired the work of Genpo Roshi. The way I see it, his Big Mind exercise is an elegant mash-up of voice dialogue therapy, basic meditation technique and Tozan's Five Ranks of Consciousness. In a few short intense hours Genpo and those trained in Big Mind can lead a group of people inexorably to a Kensho--a brief enlightenment experience-- a sense of unity with the Absolute. Big Mind. And along with it Big Heart. I've done the exercise three times and each time it's been a lovely expansive experience. I have noticed however that, to me, there was a "body part" missing from the experience. Afterward, upon reflection, Big Mind seemed somewhat cerebral, not really anchored in the body nor available in a somatic way.

All that changed last night.

As I was falling asleep last night I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for being given the gift of life for another day. At the same time I felt some fear around my projection that my gift of life may be foreshortened. I reached for Paula and my hand found hers under the covers. My fingertips came to rest on her wrist. Very quickly I noticed that our pulses were in perfect rhythm. In a moment the beating of our hearts became the beating of the pulse of the whole universe. Our bodies were merged not just with each other but with the total energy of the absolute. My small besieged relative body fell away and I became, I identified with, the vast spaceless, timeless blissful body of Buddha--awakening. Big Mind. Big Heart. Big Body.

Buddhism has some esoteric teachings about my experience. Specifically the ones pertaining to sambhogakaya and I find these moderately useful. What was far more helpful about the experience was the end of the fear. The realization that my true body was never born and will therefore never die. My relative body will eventually pass away as do all manifestations of reality. But this Life lives on forever.

Medical update. I'm finally feeling really good. Energy levels are about 80%. Got out and walked briskly for a couple miles this morning. Less than three weeks to the surgery. Then 6 weeks recovery. Then ordination. Then watching carefully every month to see if I'm going to beat this thing. Thank you all for your kind comments, your prayers and support.

I love you all,

phil