It was like this

It Was Like This: You Were Happy

It was like this:
you were happy, then you were sad,
then happy again, then not.

It went on.
You were innocent or you were guilty.
Actions were taken, or not.

At times you spoke, at other times you were silent.
Mostly, it seems you were silent -- what could you say?

Now it is almost over.

Like a lover, your life bends down and kisses your life.

It does this not in forgiveness --
between you, there is nothing to forgive --
but with the simple nod of a baker at the moment
he sees the bread is finished with transformation.

Eating, too, is now a thing only for others.

It doesn't matter what they will make of you
or your days: they will be wrong,
they will miss the wrong woman, miss the wrong man,
all the stories they tell will be tales of their own invention.

Your story was this: you were happy, then you were sad,
you slept, you awakened.
Sometimes you ate roasted chestnuts, sometimes persimmons.

~ Jane Hirshfield ~

I probably won't last the week

Sorry friends,

The end is coming much sooner than predicted. I won't horrify you with the graphic details; let's just say none of my plumbing is operational. I tried and tried to find a remedy that would allow me to make a farewell tour---even ordered t-shirts :-) All to no avail. I now have 24 hour nursing care which provides a nice break for Paula. I remain as committed as ever to helping Windhorse finish their building. So if you want to help write to aaliyah.haqq@stagen.com

Over the past decade, especially, it has been my honor to serve you in a spirit of mutuality. I learned lot.

I love you all,

Koso

Please feel free to call.

My cell phone number is 512-745-9222. If you would like a chance to say good-bye before I transition, please give me a call. If you get my voicemail, leave a message. I would like to spend as much time as possible in these remaining days communicating with my friends, colleagues and clients. I used to joke that I would die with my headset on. Who knows? Maybe that will come true. LoL

Koso

PS my new email address

koso923@verizon.net

PPS here's a pic of Millie the wonder-pup.

Uh-oh!

Four weeks ago I was doing splendidly. Walking two miles a day. Regaining physical strength. Planning to change the world with a cure for cancer.

We plan; God laughs. And God has sent me a real knee-slapper.

According to the physicians who have read my latest CT Scan, I have 4-6 weeks left to live. I'm currently at 75% renal failure. I have a mass in my intestines that is blocking normal functioning. I've gained 25 pounds of excess "water weight" that has caused my legs and ankles to swell. My hospice doctor predicts another Pulmonary Embolism in my future. Hah, hah, woo-hoo. That's a good one, God.

So how shall I spend my days?

I think I'll put together a schedule and follow it completely. Meditation and breakfast at Windhorse Zen Community, correspondence and phone calls, lunch with loved ones, watching our new puppy crawl all over Rocky the Dharma Dog. Napping in the cool mountain air. Holding and being held by Paula. Life is good. I vow to enjoy every last moment by being as fully present as possible.

I'm not in pain--thanks to the hospice program--they have the best drugs and nobody seems worried about me becoming addicted.

Paula and I are planning a trip to Pennsylvania and Dallas in the next couple of weeks. A kind of farewell tour. Soon as I have our itinerary, I'll let you know. Maybe we can say good-bye in person.

If you are wondering what you might do to participate in this last leg of my journey, I have a suggestion. I would like to raise $75,000 to help the Windhorse Zen Community finish constructing a building that will house a dozen monks. Completion of this building is essential to move the organization from scrambling to scaling. The Windhorse Sangha (community) has been exceptionally kind and welcoming to Paula and me. They helped us find the house we live in after first offering us room in the main house ---even though they knew I had a life threatening illness. A day doesn't go by that we don't feel loved and supported in so many ways large and small. I would like a part of my legacy to be helping this marvelous, mature and compassionate community achieve a new level of sustainability. I'll post more details in future blogs. Thank you all in advance for your generosity.

That's enough for tonight. Know that I'll sleep well tonight. That I'm not afraid. And that I love you all.

Koso

"We wuz robbed!"

I guess it has been a few months since I posted. Sorry. First let me assure all of you that I'm hanging in there. The move to Asheville NC has been a blessing. We are living about 6 miles up the road from my grandson, 20 minutes from my daughter and a half mile from Windhorse Zen Center. Attached is the view from our deck. We eat most of our meals there.

Last thursday afternoon we were the subject of brazen daylight break-in. The thief stole both my Mac computers, a sound system, and all my RX meds. In loss there is gain however, so I'm composing this on a sexy new iMac purchased with insurance money.

But, I was using one computer to back up the other, so I've lost my address book and need to recreate it. Could you all please send me your contact info. My new e-mail address is:

koso923@verizon.net

I'll try to do better about posting :-)

Thanks,

Koso

The regimen

A number of people have asked me about the regimen I'm following. Essentially it's this: High alkalai diet, vinegar and probiotics. So I eat a mix 80/20% alkalizing to acidifying foods. Basically the stuff that we all know is good for us. Fresh greens and raw or lightly steamed veggies--broccoli is especially alkalizing. Fruits in moderation because of the sugar content but interestingly some acidic fruits are actually alkalizing when digested. Lots of almonds and macadamia nuts but only those two. Small portions of white meat of chicken or turkey. Light white fish. No sugar. No yeast. No dairy. So no booze, or candy or leavened bread. Grain cereals are slightly acidifying so I eat the grasses like shredded wheat with raisins on top. Almond milk.

Twice a day I down 2 probiotic pills then 2 oz of Bragg's Organic Red Apple Cider Vinegar sweetened with stevia and diluted with 5 oz of water. It contains malic acid which is reputed to be the deadly enemy of cancer. I'm also taking 850 mg of malic acid each day as a supplement.

Supplements are a whole other story. I've been cramming to give myself an education and have the help of a new friend who owns a nutriceutical company. I'm learning about GSH and SOD and Old Amish dewormer. No kidding that's what it's called.

I'm told by my homeopathic homey that the only people who don't do well on this regimen are those who think they are healed and quit or those who can't stick to it. Today one of my colleagues at Stagen really made my day when he told me that he thought I had the self-discipline to stick to it. The fact is I feel great for long periods now. In fact, fair warning, I've taken to answering the casual "how are you?" with a cheery: "Great! Except for this terminal cancer thing."

I love you all,

Koso

Dead man walking???

Got the results of my scans on Thursday and the cancer is back. Three nodules in the intestines. My oncologist made it official. My cancer is now considered incurable. She gives me 4-6 months without treatment. 6-12 with chemo. You might think I'm depressed and anxious but I'm not. In fact my spirits remain strong. After meeting with the folks at MDA, I called Bill, my homeopathic consultant, who has a completely different script for me to follow. Bill's prediction is, that if I follow the regimen he's given me, within 4 months I'll see a reversal of the cancer growth and within another 4-5 months it will disappear. I already have one month completed. Bill tells me he has worked with over a hundred people in the last 17 years and every one of them has gotten healthy. All kinds of reasons for skepticism here. I get that. He could be a complete fraud. I don't think so and neither does Paula but the possibility exists. Either way though his script is a lot better than the one from MDA. His story has a happier ending :-)

So we are going to move to Asheville, NC to be close to family and to practice at the Wind Horse Zen Center. The next six months, I suppose, will write another chapter in this tale. Perhaps the last chapter, perhaps not. Either way is okay.

Meanwhile I'd like to share with you a quote from Zen teacher John Tarrant that I recently read on the Austin Zen Center discussion listserv. It struck me as particularly salient considering the certainty with which MDA predicts my imminent demise and the certainty with which Bill predicts my full recovery.

"Zen people talk about emptiness because when you awaken, the maps that hold your beliefs are suddenly gone. You also notice that new maps appear in the mind, even without encouragement from you. And as new maps appear, you can take them as provisional.

The Zen task is to open to the gates of the world beyond our prejudices. Like the Buddha, we can step away from everything we are certain about. I think this possibility is the best contribution we can make to healing the flaws in consciousness and helping the world. Unkindness comes out of certainty; when we throw out certainty, we have the bare reality of consciousness, and another name for that is love."

I love you all,

Koso

Three kisses for Opa

For the past three weeks Paula and I have been traveling. First to attend an ILP graduation in Dallas. Then weather finally permitting, to Asheville NC to visit my children and grandchild as well as to introduce ourselves to the teachers at the Wind Horse Zendo in Asheville.

In September when I saw my Grandson, Mac, he was a baby. Suddenly, at 20 months, he's become a little boy. It took only a few minutes for him to start calling me Opa. One evening as his bed time approached, his mom and dad invited him to say goodnight to the people in the room with a kiss. When it was my turn, he looked at me with a beaming face, said "Opa!" and toddled over as fast as he could to plant one on my cheek.

The room erupted with laughter, applause and the requisite "oohs." Mac then made his way back across the room where his parents stood waiting to take him to his crib. As his Dad reached down for him, Mac suddenly did an about face and ran back to kiss me on the cheek again. More laughter and approval encouraged Mac to do it a third time, giggling all the way as he managed to milk a few more minutes before having to go to bed.

Mac is my my first grandchild, and I have been exploring this new role of Opa. It is completely uncharted territory for me and I've been proceeding cautiously. Until now. Now Mac has shown me how to do it. Complete spontaneity in the moment. Let the trickster loose.

On the health front: I have scans this weds at MDA. Review them with my doctor on Thurs. I'll let you all know the results. Meanwhile each day of the trip I seemed to get a little stronger. But I was a little disappointed to discover that I still can't do a single regular push-up. However, Paula noticed that when I engage in Zen activities as I did at Wind Horse, it seems to lift my spirits and energy. The alkaline diet is going splendidly. I'm eating healthier than I ever have and have a new sense of well-being.

I love you all,

Koso

three

three

A perfect day

Thanks to all who were able to attend my ordination ceremony last saturday and thanks also to all those who sent me good wishes but were unable to attend. And a special thanks to my teachers and the staff and volunteers at AZC who planned and carried out the ceremony and reception. It was flawless.

I'm acutely aware that every day is a gift but Saturday was extraordinary. The zendo was packed with friends from both my sanghas (communities) Austin Zen Center and Stagen. Many people travelled great distances to attend. I could feel the love. The ceremony was beautiful, touching and joyous. At least that's how it looked from the inside out :-) Here's an address you can use to see pics. http://austinzencenter.org/images/gabless/index.html

On the health front

Paula and I have spent the last six weeks researching alternative treatments for cancer. We've found something that for me holds a lot of promise. The research started with the work of a Nobel prize winning German scientist who demonstrated that cancer can't live in an alkaline environment. I won't bore you with the details of all the chemistry involved. This led us to research on the effects of the body's ph balance on treating cancer. And in turn to creating an alkali diet the results of which I test daily with ph strips. The diet consists of a mix of 80/20 alkaline or alkalizing foods to acidic foods. For the past three weeks I've tested alkaline. And I feel great.

Last night I talked with my pharmacist's brother who was given a cancer related death sentence by doctors 17 years ago. He found an oncologist/homeopath in California (where else?) who suggested this diet and it totally cured his cancer. Since then he has served as a resource for people seeking alternative therapies. He regaled me with a number of success stories he has collected over the years and added some very helpful suggestions to fine-tune what I'm already doing.

Right now I'm feeling stronger and more confident than I have in months.

I love you all,

Koso Ju Gien (my dharma name. Koso for short)

Facing the brutal facts

The following is a post made to a list of my colleagues at Stagen. So if you have already read it just be reminded of the invitation to my ordination this saturday and I promise more frequent posts now that some of my strength is returning.

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written, but I have some pretty bad news and I wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell you about it. On October 26 I had an operation to remove my bladder and build a new one using a piece of my bowel. It was a long, difficult, 9-1/2 hour procedure that required ten days at MD Anderson Cancer Center for recovery before I could be sent home.

The good news is that the operation was a success and during the two weeks following the surgery I seemed to be getting stronger and was feeling much better. The bad news is that suddenly, I got hit with a pulmonary embolism (PE). Blood clots in my legs broke lose, migrated to my lungs and left me unable to take even a single step without gasping for air. I was rushed by ambulance to South Austin Hospital, where I spent a week on blood thinners, just getting stabilized after this life threatening condition.

From there I was transferred to St. David’s Rehab Hospital, where the skill and determination of the doctors, nurses, Occupational and Physical Therapists (OT’s and PT’s) brought about a significant improvement in my condition. I was once again able to walk short distances with the help of my trusty walking stick. My appetite returned and I readied myself for a trip back to MD Anderson for what I thought would be additional chemotherapy.

Unfortunately, as I learned when I talked to my oncologist, my pathology report following the operation indicated a poor prognosis. Microscopic cancer cells where found in 37 of the 60 lymph nodes they removed. To make matters worse, the PE disqualified me from the clinical trial that I was enrolled in for a drug called Avastin, One of Avastin’s known side effects is that it can cause circulatory problems. My physician, citing her oath to do no harm, said she could no longer treat me with Avastin for fear of killing me. With that, my active treatment at MD Anderson ended.

The good news is that my first set of CT’s found no evidence of additional cancers, which both my oncologist and surgeon found somewhat surprising and encouraging. I am also looking into some alternative medical treatments. The bad news is that there’s a 90% chance the cancers will return and if they do, it is likely they will take my life.

I am now scheduled to return every eight weeks for scans to determine whether or not additional cancers have formed. Those are the brutal facts.

Hello. Goodbye.

Paula and I just returned from a wonderful trip back to our hometowns in Pennsylvania to see friends and family during the holiday season. One of the friends we visited, Susan Herrick, was unaware of the severity of my condition and when I described it to her, she got teary. She came around to where I was sitting, took my hand in hers, and said, “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

I replied, “I’m not here to say goodbye. I’m just here to say hello.” And then something inspired me to sing, “I don’t know why you say goodbye. I say hello. Hello. Hello.”

It broke Susan’s mood. She jumped up, went to the piano and started picking out the tune. I am writing to you not to say goodbye but to say hello and to thank all of you for the wonderful love and support, the caring, the prayers, the cards, the calls, the e-mails and text messages. They kept me going through some very dark times.

I am actually feeling OK right now. I had a recent conversation with my dear friend Cindy Wigglesworth, in which she asked me how I was feeling. I paused and reflected, searching for the answer. Finally, I told her, “I’m not afraid and I’m not depressed. What I am, mostly, is curious. How will this amazing story work out?”

I am also finding that with my somewhat frail condition, it is actually easier to stay focused on what’s right in front of me, to just eat my fruit, read cards from my friends, and enjoy time with Paula. I will try to do a better job of keeping you updated with what’s going on with me.

You Are Invited to My Ordination, Saturday, January 16, at the Austin Zen Center

The big news right now is that on Saturday, January 16, at 2:30 p.m., I will be ordained as a priest in the San Francisco Zen Center Lineage of Suzuki Roshi. It is the culmination of 18 years of disciplined Zen practice and study. You are all invited to attend the ceremony and reception held at the Austin Zen Center, 3014 Washington Square, Austin, TX 78705-2218. Please stop by and say hello. Hello. Hello.

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