The Threads That Connect Us

Sorry its been a while since my last post. But I've gotten through my fourth and final round of chemo and I have until October 26th to recover. That's the day of my surgery. Along the way, I've found out that I don't have cancer in growing my bones and the most recent biopsy showed no lymphatic invasion. But I still have the microscopic cancer cells that are probably circulating in my system to worry about. Hopefully the chemo got 'em. On top of that relatively good news, I got some really good news.

I have a date set for my ordination as a Zen priest. December 12th at AZC in Austin. This is the culmination of 18 years of steady practice and working with a teacher. Prior to the date being set I was told to start sewing my priests robes. (actually I restarted for the third time in ten years :-)

This is an enormously complicated project. A piece of black cloth about the size of a bed sheet is measured and cut into 21 pieces. Those pieces are then pinned and sewn back together in a quilt like pattern requiring thousands of hand stitches--each put in with a chant. The success of each stitch is measured in millimeters. Stitches that don't meet the sewing teacher's approval are taken out and re-sewn. The robe is called an Okesa. To put this in perspective, my sewing teacher and I worked three hours this afternoon squaring the okesa and pinning the short side borders. Normally we allow a year for this whole project to be completed. In addition to the Okesa there is the Zagu a bowing cloth that while not large is very complicated to sew. Then there is the Rakasu a recreation of the Okesa scaled down to about 10"x12" and worn around the neck. Finally, the envelopes for each of these need to be cut and sewn.

When I began this project the Tempter of Delusion Mara came to me and told me I would become the next great Zen sewing artisan. That I would go from a guy who could barely thread a needle to a priest with full expertise in this arcane craft. Then the Buddha came along and gifted me with this cancer. (This too is for my benefit :-) and everything changed. Suddenly I my hands shook too badly, my body needed more and more rest, sewing time was replaced with hours and hours of infusions and trips to MDA. Most importantly I had to learn how to go from "the strong one" the "one who is there for others" to the vulnerable one. The one who needs help, who needs to be held and to accept compassion.

So along with the cancer, the Buddha also sent me Sangha--the Zen communities with whom I have practiced. One of our previous sewing teachers undertook to sew the Zagu. My wife Paula picked up the needle and began putting in lines. My current teacher allows me spend as much time watching and learning as actually sewing and pinning. My former teacher Dai En Bennage from Mount Equity in Pennsylvania and her group undertook the Rakasu---sewing it with thread left over from one of DaiEn's robes. So the threads that connect us became not just metaphorical but actual. The whole project will be done ahead of time.

I guess I'm just really sensitive right now but I well up every time I think of how all these people some of whom I haven't seen in almost a decade rallied to support me. And I reflect on how being "the strong one" is really just another defense put up by my ego. A defense that was long overdue to be torn down. I'm discovering the joy in vulnerability. The peace that comes with surrender. Reminds me of a sign in the AZC kitchen: "Barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon."