We plan; God laughs. And God has sent me a real knee-slapper.
According to the physicians who have read my latest CT Scan, I have 4-6 weeks left to live. I'm currently at 75% renal failure. I have a mass in my intestines that is blocking normal functioning. I've gained 25 pounds of excess "water weight" that has caused my legs and ankles to swell. My hospice doctor predicts another Pulmonary Embolism in my future. Hah, hah, woo-hoo. That's a good one, God.
So how shall I spend my days?
I think I'll put together a schedule and follow it completely. Meditation and breakfast at Windhorse Zen Community, correspondence and phone calls, lunch with loved ones, watching our new puppy crawl all over Rocky the Dharma Dog. Napping in the cool mountain air. Holding and being held by Paula. Life is good. I vow to enjoy every last moment by being as fully present as possible.
I'm not in pain--thanks to the hospice program--they have the best drugs and nobody seems worried about me becoming addicted.
Paula and I are planning a trip to Pennsylvania and Dallas in the next couple of weeks. A kind of farewell tour. Soon as I have our itinerary, I'll let you know. Maybe we can say good-bye in person.
If you are wondering what you might do to participate in this last leg of my journey, I have a suggestion. I would like to raise $75,000 to help the Windhorse Zen Community finish constructing a building that will house a dozen monks. Completion of this building is essential to move the organization from scrambling to scaling. The Windhorse Sangha (community) has been exceptionally kind and welcoming to Paula and me. They helped us find the house we live in after first offering us room in the main house ---even though they knew I had a life threatening illness. A day doesn't go by that we don't feel loved and supported in so many ways large and small. I would like a part of my legacy to be helping this marvelous, mature and compassionate community achieve a new level of sustainability. I'll post more details in future blogs. Thank you all in advance for your generosity.
That's enough for tonight. Know that I'll sleep well tonight. That I'm not afraid. And that I love you all.