Several kind people have commented to me that my Zen training must have prepared me well for what I'm facing. That notion is lovely but I have a sense that if I start believing it, my suffering will become greater. I fully expect that I will fail to keep my sense of self as victim in conscious perspective at all times. In those moments, I'll hopefully want to avoid the gaining idea that somehow I didn't train hard enough, or I wasn't a good enough Zen student. Between now and Monday I will focus on doing what's right in front of me. Right now that doesn't include much bodily pain. When I wake up from surgery, I expect the pain will provide a powerful focus for my mind just as it does during extended meditation periods.
Sometimes I think we are like the guy who falls off the top of the 10 story building and about half way down the people on the fifth floor hear him exclaim: So far, so good! I've spent a good part of my life ignoring the ground rushing up to meet me. Can't ignore it anymore. I've jumped off the top of the hundred foot pole. Nothing to do but trust the universe completely. Nothing to do but live this life I've been given.
Kosho mentioned the other day Suzuki's comment when he saw tears in someone's eyes when he was dying "do not feel sad. I know who I am."
ReplyDeleteAnd don't think of your self as dying any more than the rest of us. Maybe it just seems more evident right now.